Saturday, January 06, 2007

The Me Monster

Hi, guys its been awhile but I thought I would post. Ill be honest I am not going to take 4 hours to edit this thing down to perfection(yea right they've never been perfect), and honestly I want it a little raw. I hope it makes sense cause I am not rewriting it. As you have noticed I have not posted here in a while I even stopped a series dead cold. Cause the God to honest truth is I have been dead. Dead spiritually, dead emotionally, just sinning my self numb. I have not wanted really to be around any one. I really did not enjoy reading my bible so I stopped. I was just eh. I hated it. It was constantly one day trying to keep my head above water(thank God for a strong Body of believers). I was aware of God, but I was just dead. That was the best way to put it. I did not love I did not hate I was just dead. I slept in, i ate to much i did no work or reading etc.

What caused it well I could give the easy breezy answer and just say “I’m a sinner”, or the typical “pride.” But honestly it’s those things but that would be like saying what killed that car accident victim and you saying he stopped breathing. In other words it’s not very helpful. No the truth is its more complicated. The truth is I grew board complacent and lazy with the truth. I stopped preaching the gospel to my self every day. And boy howdy what that will do to your mortification of sin. At this point I don’t go to God, I go to other things. Things like oh Things, material things. Mind numbing things, like tv, video games, wasteful hours on the internet. It’s amazing what drowning in the world will do to you. It will make you not care about things that used to just drive me. Like people, evangelism, the Gospel, Serving others, even teaching. I was dead, always watching the hand of God offering his grace and just simply passing over it. This is lethal when you are lost, this is torturing as a Christian, just a numb torturing on your soul.

But as always thank God for his Grace, Thank God for me being his child ( I always loved being called a child of God). What did this little funk in? Others, thinking about others. I have realized I had been so me centered lately, I have thought only how to improve my own wrenched self and that even as a person in this world not a child in a kingdom of greater promises. Tim Keller’s book, Ministries of Mercy helped(I just read the first part on who is my neighbor. humbling). So did reading in Matthew about the life of Christ and how others focused he was (matt 20:29-34). But most of all being others focused led me to be Jesus focused to live as ever before Him. My desires and my affections followed suit. It’s great to feel again and not just be numb to lost and dying people. It’s great to love friends again, to love God again, to dislike things again, to serve again with a real heart, and to worship with a clean heart. The hope of Christ has broken though the storm. Alan is a little wiser, a little more mature, and holds on to Christ a little more. Well God mission accomplished. Ill be broken yet.

God bless, and with all the love in Christ. Alan